ironic love

The reason I struggle to love, and I don't trust even women who I am into is because my mother and the treatment team who represent the greater society, are both parties that are supposed to love me and care for me, but instead they are killing me, my mum has sentenced me to death with her calls for psychiatry to intervene in my youth and the psychiatric team is killing me slowly and in the maximum amount of pain, and they represent God and society, they have rendered love into an ironic thing for me, I don't think I can love, considering that these two have taught me that love is evil, and they have been two people supposed to support and raise me, but these two are my greatest enemies, and I can't get them out of my life, and I survive depending on them, but the hands that are supposed to feed have been the hands that murdered me. I am betrayed since 17, and it's gone on for 11 years, I am so extremely conditioned to refuse love, because I fear another love may turn into my mother and the doctors, and kill and betray me, I fear it happening so much because it always happens, I always get betrayed and abandoned and cheated on by loves I never failed, because I am just not good enough or because they dont see my love, which is absolute, with every fiber of my being I have loved, and in every sense, love is just an illusion in my life, I live in a world where love does not and cannot exist. I live in hell, and despite everything I have still learned to love the only way I can manage, by imagination, but I am so hurt by it, it becomes harder to love than I become invested in it, my love is always depleting and I'm growing avoidant of it at a greater rate than I find it rewarding, so I have a sex life that is always rapidly dying, that's why I time my sex and love so well, because otherwise I'd have no sex or sex life at all. I just know the sexiest times to fuck, and I'm really good at sex and initiating sex, but I am unable to achieve it in life, because I am plagued with doubt and distrust for anyone who tries, I feel like they are not trying as hard as me, and it turns me off and I grow spiteful when I'm taken for granted, for one to love me, they must be entirely empathetic, compassionate and careful, and to achieve that you must be someone who understands the value of love, you must go through incredible tests of moral and ethical nature and make tremendous sacrifices, just to not steal or harm the love of another in order to find love, or in the female perspective, one must endure the trials of psyche in cupid and psyche, basically, not moral or ethical, just 5 impossible trials with no initial secured assistance or and certainty you'll ever complete them, and the universe must help you if you try, but if you don't try, the universe will not help, you must be the person to try even if it seems hopeless, because that is how I live, I had no hope, ever, but I tried, and that is how I succeeded. I had no divine intervention like psyche should receive and I still succeeded, but just to give a serious attempt despite the futility, and try enough to the point that the universe is convinced she will persist even until her inevitable failure, it will intervene and help her, before it's too late, and she will succeed, and she will be worthy and delicate enough to be my lover, but I can't love anyone who doesn't have empathy for me, knowing exactly why I do what I do and why. That is what it takes to love me, or for me to accept you as my lover wholeheartedly, it is necessary or it will just fail I think, because I am taken for granted, or unappreciated. There must be enough trials to completely ensure that she will do it by nature, and trials must have enough time for them to complete enough of the task without divine intervention until it becomes a necessary part of the plot and story, of the universe, that if it doesn't make a miracle happen, she will fail and she deserves to win. This is what must happen for me to find love. Also meds must stop, because I will die. I will die, I am in the shape I'm in because of the meds and I'm so fucking close to dying, please stop them, I don't want to die and never find peace but deserve the best fate, And the whole world and I will burn in hell, because it will never be right again. This is necessary for the universe to find completion and a happy ending. Without this, everyone will rot in hell, and I will be the only one able to withstand it and I will masturbate in everyone's faces as they burn, because I will hate absolutely every one of you, and it will be so bad, the pain, you'll all suffer immensely, you'll also experience total heartbreak. It's not pretty. It is the worst pain a human can feel, and I've felt what it feels like to fall into a meat grinder for 7 hours and violently convulse on the floor for 7 hours of the most pain anyone can feel, and I've felt that your heart shattering is much worse.