heaven on the end, was a trap to fool souls into becoming food.

I still believe in being a good person, though it's actually resulted in the worst fate. I will never deserve to die, but I'm afraid my life is falling apart, and nothing is worth living for anymore, and love has only ever been definable as an unobtainable illusion in my life. I have lived an endless nightmare since I was born. I have no regrets also, I have lived flawlessly, but my life it seems, is just forsaken, with no opportunity ever available for any other fate than the very worst available. I had done absolutely everything in my power to avert this fate, but I have only found myself forsaken and love was never anything more than a mirage my whole life. I am able to accept this but I feel so abused and molested by life, it was a life I simply had no chance but to become roped into a psychiatrists admission of immaturity, and then forced to justify it to escape 2-15 years of assured jail for a crime with and invalid offence, so then the "mental health doctor" proceeded to do his job, which is to rape abuse victims with needles and handle them like shit, and even though this barbaric practice is wrong in everyone's eyes and is clearly unethical and immoral, the law and the police actually enforced this treatment on me, and because it was normalized long ago by the rapists of dead bodies, nobody fucking cares about the undeniable war crimes and abominations they committed against me, in unlawful circumstances thus amounting to a breach of both international law and also an unlawful, non binding illegal application of force always, and they would not get physical with me unless I refused to give them a gesture or a movement that they could use to establish the official farce of consent. I believe consent is acquired by approval, not by manipulating me when your partner has turned of his camera and you then begin to hard project by intense motioning and a hypnotic lead gesture of my unavoidable inability to prevent my own face nodding, unable to prevent it as I was powerless against the profound hypnotic intensity of her manipulative gesture. I used to like music but now it just haunts me. I really wish life would end for me, I just want to find peace now, I am sorry for ever ambitioning in life to get more than the bare minimum.

My pursuit of venture past square one, has resulted in a horrific twist of fate, and now I feel forsaken, love burned to ashes, horrible timing of a salvageable situation and it struck in consecutive double blows, I tried to face the world after I had a mental breakdown, and I walked around town and I felt so alone. I have never felt so alone. My life is such a horrible life, I really wish I was never born, I hate to be alive so much, I just don't know what I did so wrong.

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=b0wJBQxhthg&si=pmPtbWfGT3D7gOJ-

Life has been lived to the fullest, and it had resulted in the worst fate possible. I have no idea why this was just complacently accepted, when I had fought so hard for my freedom, only for the corrupt use of force applied often unlawfully, but by some legal descriptions my slightest movement in obedient gestures, will get me blamed for the horrors I have ensued, but honestly they never cared about what was lawful or legal, my life was just always hell, I never knew any life other than endless hell, and it never gets better, you don't have any chance to avoid it, it never ends, and even if you make every successful effort to become the best version of you, and you don't even die at all, life is still just a nightmare beyond the wildest dystopian dementia nightmares id imagine a serial killers offspring with a child molestor would imagine and write as a story of inspiration for his victims to kill themselves knowing it would be quick and painless and less horrific than ever letting this sick fuck nigger monster cunt from tortured you and facilitated in his every forsaken permitted and state supported molestation and torture that is just normalised like as if world war 2 and the conventions and laws just never happened in an attempt to prevent serious war crimes, but as they ensured these laws, people just grab popcorn and watch you become victimised as they do nothing to stop the clear violations of the world war 2 laws against you. And you wonder why people ever look you in the eyes, if nobody ever intended on being sincere with you. I honestly don't know what I ever did to deserve this. I just don't understand why my life has been such a nightmare when I had lived my life to the fullest extent of my ability to perform, and long before I had my breakdown, had I become the best I could be, before the unavoidable realization of my undeniable futility. I couldn't understand anything but the impotence to yield a result, no matter how hard I fucking try to establish my boundaries, nobody ever respects my valid legal establishment of unacceptable and unjustifiable access and conduct, and these fuckers just exert their force not giving a shit that it's illegal. I honestly don't know what the fuck I did to deserve this horrible life and how the master plan of heaven and gods omnipotence, and promises to deliver to me salvation, I fulfilled and honored my every obligation to achieve certain salvation, and I ended up with the worst fate of them all. And then I found out god is just an opposing polar opposite scapegoat or innocent bystander, that will be defined as the contrarian option that will be the opposite result, but I imagine Lucifer didn't have that in mind and was the only person capable of fixing the hell I was in, and my poor speculation and my impressive but misapplied understanding of quantum physics has caused me to give up even giving up, I just simply cower at my powerlessness in every attempt and now my powerlessness to escape my unconsensual life that has been used and lived with unrivallable success, but has also now ended with me feeling hopeless to ever know a life that could ever be anything beyond the most barren, desolate, wasteland that only a monster would force someone to live, deceive them into giving their every available effort, then refuse to save as promised, after i make an exemplary effort and solve every problem that could ever pose any sort of halt or hindrance to a perfect outcome, and now i wish i had at least a way to escape my own head, because my heart has given up trying to kill me with self induced heart attacks and cardiac arrests, my heart just weeps in its impotence to end it's own heartbeat, and i reallly wonder if life was ever fucking worth it? Knowing that nobody could ever say they consented to be here. And we are responsible for the outcome. But I achieved the best possible execution of life lived, but it just turned to shit, I don't know what the fuck I did, life was juSt horrible. I hate my entire life, I will never love again, I am unable to escape the dawning realization that I have an eternity of this, I just want to start physically hurting myself as well, to protest life by causing physical agony to cope with the hell I live in to relieve my pain.

This is actually an effective method, the first time I had to quit meth, not realizing I had been condemned to require it to survive, to cope with the desperation, I put cigarettes out on my arm causing immense pain, and I started breaking my paintings in my home, and I snapped a guitar, and then proceeded to smoke more meth.