i might be a psychopath, I just want to keep all my loves alive, knowing how priceless they are, I am not willing to let them go. Maybe that's why I am forsaken, but it seems to me, that heaven is just not willing to accommodate me, despite the easy amendments I have recommended to facilitate it, it can easily be achieved, but I am not heard, I have provided so much more solutions and models and truths for the universe in speech, in my talks to the universe, I guess I was just testing if it listens. I have had some feedback, but it only confuses me more. Like how is this being allowed to continue, why is nothing happening, I don't blame anyone or the universe though, there's not much you can do, but the system and the God that ordained this government method has enabled this injustice, in an attempt to control the damage of recreational drug and cases of drug abuse, in my case it's not abuse, despite the appearance of being out of control, I am actually very much so in control, even though I constantly go to hospital and make critical errors, I have one policy that I employ that protects me, the reason I seemingly have divine protection, is that I am making my decisions with disciplined always ethics and morality integrous decisions, so you never have to worry about me, I will always survive, I have learned this virtue by attempting to follow the path of salvation offered by the Bible, but not realizing that I had to choose a profession and not do drugs, I had totally misunderstood the actual implications of the path depicted in the Bible, so I followed the depicted route blindly through absolute loveless darkness, and I was successful at living my best life and becoming the strongest and most successful I could be, achieving at the most survival and good virtuous character, enough to make me love myself enough not to give up and kill myself, because the only thing I have going for me as an advantage of my life a pro: I must survive or it's all in vain, vs the cons; everything, but there are some people suffering more, everyone can always suffer more if they abandoned their duties, so I must continue because to kill myself would really be a hard thing to do, be painful as hell, and it would make me responsible for destroying an innocent victims life, though I could probably justify that the antipsychotics they rape me with clocks up to the damages of psychiatry and the blood market, because it is a known side effect of the antipsychotics. But alas, it's simply too much effort to kill myself, but honestly annihilation is looking so beautiful to me, I might find a way to obstruct my heart, but I know I would survive it and my body would decay and decompose but I would still be inside, and that is how hell works, your perception loses it's vessel, and it becomes burning hells fire, because there is no connection and that breaks life, or the universe from the perspective of the individual, it lacks a body to justify its existence, so it becomes a floating delusion, and it burns because it never learns to numb itself, but to do that you must seal off the open connection and make a soul self sufficient. Shame I have to go to hell, because heaven let's you keep your body alive, and hell entry condemns you to infinite pain and agony, with no end in sight, but honestly it's not necessary, you just need to comfort the souls so they remember peace and joy, or just comfort and safety, but I will not interfere with the hell they experience before that, because these people honestly deserve hell, but I will not make it last forever, that's just cruel, I don't know why this universe has rejected me, and destroyed me, it's so disgusting, I don't mind being left behind by the people I saved, I will die and burn in hell, but I will love myself enough to get through every day, but honestly I'd rather go to heaven, but everyone finds me disgusting, and always assumed that the people who side against me and unite in opposition are somehow valid or right, and the opinion of me becomes that of doubt, where I am projected a consequence of my wrongness brought into question whole being depicted as being brought into light, so that the inquisitors can escape scrutiny, honestly it's so disgusting what is going on, I am so ashamed that God would do this, betray ethics and morality, because he never expected someone to stand against him and win. I still am tormented by the facetious and criminal mental health system, despite having done no wrong and having a sound mind, I will confess one thing, I am always in control, I only need hospitalisations when I smoke weed, because weed causes psychosis and I feel unsafe like threatened, and at my level threatening auras means that I could trigger a tragic accident or a murder of myself, I can detect any threats to my existence and when I smoke ice I know I am in control and there is nothing to fear, but the lack of experience, I did need to go to the ward this time but rehab was an unnecessary step, but the danger here with this course of events, is that I'm being kept away from ice, which serves a critical healing and stabilizing effect and soothes my stress levels down back to calm, you can tell how much I'm being suffocating because when I try put ice in my pipe I'm too shaky to land a connection and insert my ice smoothly, it's almost not worth trying. I am in such a dire and emergent state, I have been lost already but watch me drown, please watch me drown and don't look away. This is respectful. I have lost my soulmate and I have volunteered hell for her, escaped so many times but heaven won't answer my calls. It's hell, I never should have expected to leave. I call the universe to save me, not serenade my death, oh how much I have suffered, it was never fair. I am forsaken, this is the end, dragged out and surgically extracted upon the innocent and unsuspecting, this is so disgusting, I can't believe in the god that has done this to me, but I still believe in God as in the God that is associated with good morals, the God of the Bible who cleverly associated himself with goodness. That was so smart. Drugs were associated with Lucifer, so I took drugs, and who could blame me, I had already died and defined myself as neutral, I had no chance since then. I have nothing to do to escape my hell, I am already defined as neutral, but that's okay, because I am actually a worthy substitute for God the creator, so I will fight on, because I can't fail.
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